by Kristen Johnson
April is finally here, which brings the one day a year where it is perfectly acceptable to be mean to people, or in some cases, rip out the hearts of total strangers who are devoted fans. The internet has a field day on April Fools; sometimes the jokes are easy to spot and all in good humor, and other times your heart breaks when you realize that it was all just an elaborate ruse. Here were the top ten 2014 jokes that we wished were real.
10. The Walking Dead comic introduces daryl dixon
Fans who love The Walking Dead have been hoping to see their favorite crossbow-wielding redneck hero make his debut in the long-running comic series. It seemed today that the wait was finally over when Image revealed the cover for the upcoming issue with “INTRODUCING DARYL DIXON”. While some fans wept tears of relief and joy, they quickly turned to tears of sadness and betrayal as everyone realized they fell for a photoshopped panel from a previous issue. I admit my heart did pitter-patter with excitement before I realized the date, which was followed by a shaking fist in the air and a drawn out cry of “Kirkmaaaaan!” to the heavens.
9. Sherlock/game of thrones crossover
Do you love BBC Sherlock? Of course you do! But do you have difficulty deciding between the clever sleuth at Baker Street and keeping up with all the drama brewing in Westeros? Well some fans thought that Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat had stumbled onto their fanfiction Tumblr blog when they saw Benedict Cumberbatch was confirmed to star in a Sherlock/Game of Thrones crossover. Although it would be fun to see Sherlock expose the true nature of Joffery’s parentage with a few brilliant quips, sadly the famous duo will not be gracing Westeros.
8. Netflix renews firefly
By my pretty floral bonnet, say it ain’t so! A long-awaited Firefly renewal was supposedly picked up by Netflix, and many dewey-eyed fans shared the news and praised Netflix for all of its show-saving glory. Firefly fans tend to be more skeptical than other fandoms, as they are the constant victims of hoaxes every April Fools, but with the revival of Arrested Development, it seemed believable. Plus Vice-President Lirpa Sloof confirmed the renewal...oh wait what? Lirpa Sloof is April Fools spelled backwards? Come on guys! Need I say it? Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
7. Garrus body pillow
Those long cold nights got you down? Why not snuggle up with a Garrus body pillow and let this Turian help you forget all of your Paragon/Renegade troubles. For $40.00, you won’t have to spend another night alone…except that you will because of course it was a cruel April Fools joke. They even had a tricky Add To Cart button that shoots across the screen whenever you try to click on it. Well played Bioware, well played.
6. Rosetta Stone offers Klingon
For those of you who wish there was better way to learn Klingon other than watching Star Trek over and over, Rosetta Stone has just made things easier for you. For the low price of $269.99, you could be communicating fluently with the proud Klingon race thanks to ThinkGeek. Feign ignorance in aggressive tones when strangers ask you for directions! Impress all of your friends! Get all of the dates! Even better, write all your papers or important secret documents in Klingon! Sadly ThinkGeek got us again, with a whole front page of fake products that we would have gladly paid hundreds of dollars for. Sorry, but you’ll have to learn Klingon the old fashioned way.
5. Peter Capaldi is The master
Doctor Who Series 8 is all geared up with new doctor Peter Capaldi ready to go as the 12th incarnation of the Doctor, with oh so many wibbly-wobbly possibilities, including…HE’S ACTUALLY THE MASTER!!! In what would have actually been one of the best and most surprising plot twists ever, this of course was an April Fools joke concocted by the fansite Doctor Who TV. It’s genius really, because any other day I would have bought it, as Capaldi looks more like a Bond villain than the kooky, brilliant space alien. Either way, it just gets us excited for the premiere of Series 8, which unfortunately has yet to be determined.
4. Google naps
Ever want to take a nice nap, but being in public is getting in the way? Just go on over to GoogleNaps, and find the perfect bench, bed, field or bridge to stretch out on and catch some z’s. This could be pretty useful after a long day of hunting Pokemon….
3. Google pokemon master quest
Google also announced the Google Maps Pokemon Challenge, where you can become a Pokemon Master by catching all the Pokemon running wild all over the world! How cool of a way to waste your day furiously searching every place you can think of for 150 Pokemon, only to end up catching five Pidgey’s with no Charizard in sight? In the end, this April Fools joke inevitably leads you to question your geography skills more than your patience. But Google pulled out all the stops for this, with a full trailer and animation to boot. I’m glad they take being the very best as seriously as I do.
2. Netflix original series: "sizzling bacon"
Netflix got us real good with a teaser trailer for the most epic, most delicious movie ever when they announced their new series Rotisserie Chicken and Sizzling Bacon. Rotisserie Chicken promised “In the tradition of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” witness a searing, chronology-defying return to one’s origins that stokes the imagination.” Meanwhile Sizzling Bacon turned up the heat with a ““Memento”-style puzzle that takes the viewer out of the fire and into the frying pan.” But really all it did was make everyone want food.
1. bioware Hawaii
Want to work for Bioware in fabulous Hawaii? Well now you can…be very disappointed that Bioware got you again. Thanks a lot Bioware, first you deny us Garrus and now this treachery?
Honorable mention: hogwarts online classes
Did your Hogwarts letter get lost in the mail again? Have no fear, you can always enroll for online courses and become a witch or wizard without having to apparate further than from your bed to your couch or kitchen table. This one isn’t technically an “April Fools” prank per se, but it gets an honorable mention because it is just too cool for wizarding school. It runs along the same lines as Pottermore, but it’s completely run and maintained by some pretty awesome fans. It’s completely free and can be found here.